20160508

Reflection III


I feel weird whenever I remember that I have this whole space that I used to dedicate my life to and now leave untouched and forgotten. Blogging was such a big part of my life and now I never think about it.

Something about today made me feel like I needed to post again. I think it was the fact that when I don't know who to talk to, I talk to the internet. And it's particularly weird because the thought of people reading this makes me cringe.

Most of my friends know that twenty-fourteen was my least favorite year. Twenty-fifteen was considerably better - I started Things, I started to talk to the people who would become my current friend group, and I started working at the ICA. Junior year even started off with honor roll grades for the first time since the end of twenty-fourteen. In my mind I had successfully distracted myself out of depression and ignored the episodes as just bad days, weeks, months. So its twenty-sixteen and everything is a bit less fulfilling and a lot more difficult and I see a familiar pattern from the previous two years replicating itself. It lingers like it used to and I ignore it like it used to - only this time it intensifies. The things that distracted me are increasingly less appealing and only do a trick for an hour. Highs are followed by very long and very deep lows. Soon, I'm out of class more and more, I'm isolating myself to the point where my family complains outside of my bedroom door about how I won't leave the corner of my room where my bed is or how I'm always tired and I never look happy. Soon the doctor confirms what I've known for three years, and the only change is now I can say that I wasn't lying. And four days after she tells my mom this is problem that needs to be fixed, I find myself back on my blog, my original safe-space, looking for a friend to talk to but making a list of every reason why every contact in my phone isn't the best option. So I'm talking to the internet, not because I want a stranger to read this and resonate or give me advice, but because, deep down, I'm imagining that I talking to this mythical friend who will somehow make it all better. And, in a way, this is like daydreaming and daydreaming is a much needed distraction; right now, distractions are the friends I need.

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